Discreet Surveillance Solutions

From corporate intelligence to neighbor monitoring, we offer a comprehensive range of surveillance services. All conducted with maximum discretion and questionable legality.

Core Surveillance Services

Our most popular and effective surveillance methodologies.

Executive Misdirection

Our agents can attend your competitor's meetings while appearing to be part of the janitorial staff. We provide our own mops.

Convincing fake business cards
Exceptional coffee-fetching skills
Can operate copy machines
Duration: 1-6 months
Clearance: Business Casual

Animal-Assisted Surveillance

Why use drones when you can use pigeons? Our specially trained urban wildlife provide inconspicuous coverage.

Squirrel-mounted cameras
Pigeon-based message delivery
Cat distraction operations
Duration: 2-4 weeks
Clearance: Peanut Allergy Waiver

Culinary Intelligence

Extract information during "casual" dinner parties. Our agents can discuss trade secrets while making perfect soufflés.

Recipe-based code phrases
Espresso machine listening devices
Canapé cameras
Duration: 1-3 events
Clearance: Food Handler's License

Unplanned Jogging

Coincidentally jogging past locations of interest at exactly the right time. Every day. For months.

Persistent mild sweating
Fitness tracker data collection
Water bottle cameras
Duration: 3-12 months
Clearance: Good Running Shoes

Botanical Surveillance

Plants that listen. Trees that watch. Shrubs that report. Your garden has never been more informative.

Rose bush listening devices
Mobile topiary units
Photosynthetic power sources
Duration: Seasonal
Clearance: Green Thumb

Fashion-Based Espionage

Ties that record, hats that transmit, shoes that track. Looking good has never been more tactical.

Camera-equipped cufflinks
GPS-enabled belt buckles
Voice recording neckties
Duration: Per outfit
Clearance: Fashion Sense

Service Categories

Organized by operational methodology and clearance requirements.

BASIC

Human Intelligence

Traditional surveillance requiring human operatives. Minimal technological requirements, maximum social awkwardness.

Executive Misdirection
Unplanned Jogging
Culinary Intelligence
87%
Success Rate
24
Avg. Hours
ADVANCED

Technical Surveillance

Gadget-based operations involving specialized equipment. Batteries not included. Technical support limited.

Fashion-Based Espionage
Botanical Surveillance
Caffeinated Surveillance
68%
Success Rate
48
Avg. Hours
SPECIALIZED

Non-Human Assets

Utilizing animals, plants, and other non-human operatives. Unpredictable but surprisingly effective.

Animal-Assisted Surveillance
Pigeon Protocol
Feline Operations
73%
Success Rate
72
Avg. Hours

Our Surveillance Process

How we turn observation into actionable intelligence (or at least amusing anecdotes).

1

Initial Consultation

We meet at a "completely random" location (usually a park bench or coffee shop) to discuss your surveillance needs. All conversations are conducted in code phrases about the weather.

Duration: 30-60 minutes
Cover: Park enthusiast
2

Operational Planning

Our team develops a customized surveillance plan involving pigeons, potted plants, or unusually persistent joggers. All plans include backup excuses if discovered.

Duration: 2-5 days
Cover: Urban planning
3

Field Deployment

Agents are deployed with appropriate cover identities (tourist, bird watcher, lost person). Equipment is disguised as everyday objects like coffee cups or newspapers.

Duration: Variable
Cover: Multiple options
4

Intelligence Gathering

Our operatives collect information through observation, casual conversation, and strategically placed listening plants. All data is recorded on "encrypted" napkins.

Duration: As needed
Cover: Maintained throughout
5

Report Delivery

Findings are delivered via secure methods: dead drop in library book, coded message in newspaper personal ad, or carrier pigeon (weather permitting).

Duration: 1-2 days
Cover: Postal worker

Service Packages

Flexible pricing for all surveillance needs, from casual observation to full-scale operations.

BASIC SURVEILLANCE

$ 1,499 /operation

Entry-level surveillance for beginners and the budget-conscious

One agent deployment
Up to 48 hours surveillance
Basic equipment (binoculars)
Written report (handwritten)
No pigeons included
Limited coffee access
Recommended for: Suspicious neighbors, missing pets

ELITE SURVEILLANCE

$ 8,999 /operation

Comprehensive surveillance for maximum intelligence gathering

Full team deployment
Unlimited duration
Cutting-edge gadgets
Real-time updates
Pigeon squadron (3+ birds)
Personal barista included
Recommended for: Government contracts, celebrity stalking

Service Questions & Answers

Common inquiries about our surveillance services and operational procedures.

How discreet are your operations?

Extremely discreet. Our agents are trained to blend in perfectly. Most neighbors assume they're just unusually persistent joggers or particularly dedicated bird watchers. We've had agents mistaken for statues on three separate occasions.

What happens if an agent gets caught?

Standard protocol involves looking confused and claiming to be a lost tourist. If that fails, we offer coffee and pastries. Our "panic pastry" protocol has an 87% success rate in diffusing suspicious situations.

Do you offer refunds for failed surveillance?

We offer a 50% refund if the operation fails due to agent error. However, if the failure is due to "acts of pigeon" or "uncooperative shrubbery," no refund is provided. Most clients find the surveillance reports amusing enough to justify the cost regardless of success.

How do you ensure agent safety?

All agents carry emergency equipment including: a map (for looking lost), a thermos of coffee (for bribery), and a paperback novel (for plausible cover as a reader). We've never lost an agent, though several have gotten distracted by good bookstores.

Can I request specific surveillance methods?

Absolutely! We offer customized surveillance plans. Popular requests include: "plant my agent as a barista," "make my agent look like a confused tourist," and "can you follow them but also walk their dog?" We're nothing if not flexible.

Ready to Begin Surveillance?

Contact us today to discuss your surveillance needs. Initial consultations are conducted at "random" park benches and include complimentary coffee.