Terms of Surveillance

1.1 Implicit Agreement

Your continued existence after learning about Spyied constitutes agreement. Breathing while on this website? That's agreement. Thinking about surveillance? Definitely agreement.

1.2 Age Requirement

You must be at least 18 years old, or convincingly appear to be at least 18. We won't check ID, but we might observe from a distance.

1.3 Right to Change Terms

We reserve the right to change these terms at any time, without notice, and possibly retroactively. Yesterday's terms may no longer apply. Tomorrow's terms might already be in effect.

2.1 What We Actually Do

Our services include, but are not limited to:

• Observing things (sometimes intentionally)
• Pretending to observe things (frequently)
• Wearing trenchcoats (Tuesdays only)
• Drinking coffee while observing things
• Training pigeons to do... something

2.2 Service Guarantees

We guarantee nothing except:

• We'll try our best (probably)
• Our agents will look suspicious (intentionally or not)
• There will be coffee (this one we actually guarantee)

2.3 Results May Vary

Actual results may differ from promised results. Promised results may differ from what we actually promised. We may not remember what we promised.

4.1 Coffee Rights

All agents have the right to:

• Freshly brewed coffee (availability not guaranteed)
• Complain about coffee quality (encouraged)
• Blame mistakes on lack of coffee (standard procedure)
• Use coffee as surveillance device (see Section 2.1)

4.2 Coffee Responsibilities

With great coffee comes great responsibility:

• Whoever takes the last cup makes a new pot
• No "just a splash" when pot is almost empty
• Milk goes in after coffee, not before (this is non-negotiable)
• Don't touch the "special reserve" beans

4.3 Emergency Protocols

In case of coffee shortage:

1. Remain calm (or panic quietly)
2. Check all potential coffee sources
3. Send intern to nearest cafe
4. If all else fails, switch to tea (temporarily)
5. Document incident for future avoidance

5.1 Pigeon Protocol

Our pigeons are professionals:

• They work for bread crumbs (literally)
• They have union representation (we're negotiating)
• They occasionally go rogue (we understand)
• They're better at surveillance than some agents (names withheld)

5.2 Squirrel Operations

Squirrels are independent contractors:

• They set their own hours (mostly daylight)
• Payment in nuts (walnuts preferred)
• No benefits (they're squirrels)
• Excellent at looking innocent

5.3 Cat Distractions

Our feline operatives:

• Work only when they feel like it
• Demand constant petting
• Frequently nap on the job
• Still get results (somehow)

6.1 Listening Plants

Our plants are excellent listeners:

• They never interrupt
• They don't judge (much)
• They require weekly watering
• They occasionally die (we're working on it)

6.2 Plant Privacy

What happens in the greenhouse stays in the greenhouse:

• Plant conversations are confidential
• No sharing plant gossip
• Photosynthesis is private business
• Root systems are off-limits

6.3 Botanical Responsibilities

Plant caretakers must:

• Water on schedule (ish)
• Talk to plants daily (encourages growth)
• Apologize for overwatering
• Pretend plants are normal (they're not)

7.1 Trenchcoat Etiquette

When wearing a Spyied-issued trenchcoat:

• Always look mysterious (practice in mirror)
• Stand near foggy windows when possible
• Collars up when suspicious
• No chewing gum (ruins the aesthetic)

7.2 Maintenance

Trenchcoat care requirements:

• Dry clean only (we mean it)
• Check pockets for surveillance equipment
• No borrowing (they're fitted)
• Return when employment ends (or don't, we'll forget)

7.3 Lost Trenchcoats

If you lose your trenchcoat:

1. Panic appropriately
2. Check last surveillance location
3. File report (we'll lose it)
4. Get new trenchcoat (limited supply)
5. Feel less mysterious temporarily

8.1 Limitation of Liability

Spyied is not liable for:

• Accidental surveillance of wrong targets
• Pigeons that defect to competitors
• Coffee spills during operations
• Plants that stop listening
• Trenchcoat malfunctions
• Agents forgetting they're working

8.2 Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless Spyied, its agents, pigeons, and plants from any claims arising from:

• Being too interesting to surveil
• Accidentally surveilling yourself
• Pigeon-related incidents
• Coffee preferences
• General confusion

8.3 Governing Law

These terms shall be governed by the laws of:

• Common sense (where applicable)
• The nearest coffee shop
• Pigeon law (for avian matters)
• Whatever seems reasonable at the time

9.1 By You

You may terminate these terms by:

• Closing this website
• Forgetting we exist
• Moving to a remote location
• Developing amnesia
• Simply walking away

9.2 By Us

We may terminate these terms if you:

• Steal our coffee
• Insult our pigeons
• Overwater our plants
• Wear trenchcoat incorrectly
• Ask too many questions
• Exist suspiciously

9.3 After Termination

Upon termination:

• We'll deny knowing you
• You'll deny knowing us
• Our pigeons might remember you
• The plants definitely remember
• Return the trenchcoat (please)